A Buddhist's Diary November 14th 2009

I started this diary with the intention of doing an entry a day. Idiotic considering that (1) I didn't have internet access at home, and (2) I spend half the time wandering around in my van, and internet does not figure high in my list of priorities.

But I think there is a better reason for not trying to write about Zen Buddhism every day, especially for me. I do not particularly want to get into the esoterica of the philosophy. True, I could have listed one of those amazing Sanscrit or Hindi words each day and explained them, to myself as well as my diary, but why?

Like Christianity, the essence of Buddhism is simple. Old texts are stacked to the dim, smokey ceilings of Tibetan Buddhist temples, and there are scholar monks who spend their lives studying them. Have they found any priceless wisdom in their studies? I can recite a short version of the Heart Sutra, but the entire Heart Sutra is enormous. Part of the reason is the number of repetitions, which made sense in the days when most people had to rely on their memories, but surely not now?

I could have written about the daily challenges of applying both detachment and universal compassion to every-day life, but I think we all perceive differently, so that the struggle to be a dispassionate Zen Buddhist is a completely personal thing.

A monk and his teacher walked by a stream on a freezing cold day. The monk said 'The poor fish are cold'. The teacher said 'You cannot know whether the fish are feeling cold or not.'

The monk was suitably reprimanded. But couldn't he have said to his teacher 'You cannot know whether I know the fish feel cold or not'.
Well I call this the intellectual fox-trot. It is much simpler to walk carefully, think carefully and take careful action.

I find that the bells and whistles of Buddhism are alluring but not necessary.

A Buddhist's Diary. On the Road Again.

It is hard to think consciously about Buddhism when on the road. When spending the night in a wrecking yard and clearly observing illegal activity and trying very hard to prevent the dogs from barking and announcing our presence, one does not think of Buddhism. This must be the acid test of ability to practice in life what is believed in theory.
Why was I spending a couple of nights in a junk yard? It is a very long story.

Life is so interesting. It is hard not being attached to it!

My camera was destroyed when I was caught in a soaking rain storm, so I have no picture.

When I am through visiting family and friends, I will seek out a warm, peaceful, safe spot to spend at least a week meditating and practicing my painting and taking the dogs for long walks and seeking wisdom.

I think seeking wisdom is like looking for America.

A Buddhist's Diary Sept 22nd 2009

I have just returned from walking part of the pilgrim road to Santiago de Compostela in Galicia. I did not travel the road as a pilgrim, but because I wanted to hike by myself in relative safety in a beautiful place where I wouldn't have to rely on a tent to sleep in.
My favorite part of each day was the early morning when it was still dark and I would shoulder my pack and take off in either moon or flash light. I don't know why I liked this so much, except that it was very peaceful. It was especially nice when after a few km I would happen upon a cafe and enjoy a cafe con leche before traveling on. I was told that I would not be the same after walking this way, and of course I am not the same because as a Buddhist I know that I am instantaneously and continually not the same, but I can't say that I am radically different in any way from when I first stepped on the road at Sarria. This is probably because I did not spend days holed up in my tent in the high Pyrenees waiting for the rain and fog to clear as some people did.
There is a tradition of withdrawing to the wilderness in Buddhism and Christianity and probably other religions. People come out of the desert or from under the Bodhi tree blazing with insight. Are the thoughts that come to us when we are solitary and perhaps dehydrated or starving any more valuable than the thoughts that come to mind when driving to work or changing a diaper?
Or is it simply that people are more willing to listen to and respect the words of the strange ones?
Could it be that we modify our thoughts and even beliefs when we function in a crowd and intuitively feel that if we don't 'fit in' with the conventionality around us, we will be shunned, not respected?

And so we become obediant pilgrims, following the well marked road.

Help!

One of the hazards of increasing age is that even in the U.S. where being old is considered a serious disability, people start asking advice.

I think I would have given better advice when I was twelve and my mind was pure and clear.

Sometimes it is easy to help because a person may already know perfectly well what he or she is going to do, and has no interest whatsoever in any counsel one might bestow. They just feel the need to bring decisions out of their heads to share.

The difficulty lies when a person with enormous problems dumps them on my lap. What do I say? "There is no hope for you because you choose not to stop getting high every day"?

I choose to interpret Buddhist philosophy as while acknowledging the mutual beingness of us all, compassion should be disinterested as well as universal. One of the Four Vows is to save all beings. In inscrutable Buddhaspeak does that mean saving one's self?

To get down to brass tacks: I help and advise to the best of my ability without compromising myself, and I expect no miracles.

A Buddhist's Diary July 11th 2009

Today I did it. I released Bird in the area where I found him. I've decided that Bird is male and although I refused to give Bird a name, I used the name Bird when I addressed him. This morning when it was still dark I stuffed him with shreds of meat, wrapped him in a soft flannel shirt and drove him home. He flew straight up into a mulberry tree and disappeared. Later, when I walked the dogs there were a whole lot of his family and friends flying about and calling to each other. I think I may have heard him still sitting in the tree calling for someone to come and put out a nice meal for him.

During the time that I had him I was stunned by his perfection. Everything about him was functional and beautiful. As he grew he acquired what had to be reflexive skills in flying, pecking and following flying insects with his eyes. Oh well, he's on his own in the world of tooth and claw now. Oh yes, he also liked to tear sunflower leaves to bits and he definitely ate what he tore off. Like the flycatchers I observed, he preferred the part of the leaf around the stem end. I may be wrong about their being Western Flycatchers, but my 1968 Peterson indicates that's what they are.

A Buddhist's Diary July 5th 2009

How strange life is! The dogs found this baby bird in the middle of the road looking a lot like a little rock. It appears to be a Western Flycatcher like the ones on my sunflowers. I am feeding it on little bits of meat and the occasional bug stuck on a tooth-pick. I think it can fly well, but I'm not sure it can eat without either me or its mom. I'm sure its mom will have forgotten all about it by now. I can't really train it to fly with its mouth open to snap up bugs. I thought about putting meat in its cage so flies will lay eggs there etc, and starve the bird until it realizes that its only hope is to eat either maggots or flies. I don't know why but I don't want to do this. I hope I will release it tomorrow. It will be happier I think. I'll miss its song in the early morning and evening. I think it's bedtime for birdies so I had better stuff its little gut before it tucks its head under its wing.

Leaf, Beak, Mandible.

This bird is making lacework of my sunflowers' leaves. I don't think it is eating the leaves, I think it is eating insects on the leaves. But the insects don't seem to be making the holes. I have stealthily observed the birds and I have seen their tiny beaks rip right through the succulent green flesh. So we have four lives here: mine, which, as interested observer and Tender of the Garden, has very little to lose, then the sunflower which is ten feet tall and a thing of beauty who, in the fullness of time will provide sustenance for many a winter creature, then there is the bird who needs instant nutriment and is finding it, enabling it to raise a family and survive, (I think it is a Western Flycatcher), and then there is the insect, that black thing below the main vein on the leaf. The insect must be getting something from the sunflower. Maybe it plays its part in the destruction of the leaf. I won't interfere. My garden is free range for all. After all I don't depend on it.
EXCEPTION!!! I bought a tomatillo plant and it came from the store infested with bugs and they are killing it! I go out each morning and unrepentantly murder the bugs, but it is hopeless.

A Buddhist's Diary June 10th 2009

Our Zendo now has only two loyal members: me and a man who works at the library. We have devised an inconspicuous notice saying Zen Meditation and the address and time. I insisted on a phone number to call before coming all the way into the mountains and finding no-one there.

It is a shame as the place is so beautiful, but it seems wrong to expect people to come so far. Perhaps we will work out something better. Our third dedicated member had a change of heart over the 'atman' concept. She is a Yoga teacher and somehow only just found out that Buddhism and Yogism differ absolutely over one thing: the concept of an essence of self which is unchanging. This is I think the Yoga atman. Buddhists are fairly uncompromising on the non existence of self other than as transient beingness. Oh well. It would be good to have a trustworthy group of six. Yes. Six people who can accept their nothingness and go out to lunch.

A Buddhist's Diary, May 25th 2009

It rained a couple of days ago, and the weather cooled a little. My garden is refreshed both by the cool rain and the bi-weekly visit of the acequia or ditch water.
I am learning a little about what grows in this desert oasis, and what doesn't. I have definitely learned that bird seed grows with abandon!

I went to visit a man who has an antique shop He is returning to China where he lived for thirty years. He was kicked out by the Red Guard, but he returned. Now he wishes to return to a monastery and die peacefully in northern China. He is trying to get rid of all the beautiful things in his shop. When the Red Guard destroyed the ancient tombs and temples, they used the rubble for road paving. The local people refused to travel on these roads and made their own way around them. This man and his wife collected artifacts among the rubble. I bought a broken T'ang burial tile which portrays a woman carrying a baby. The woman has a tragic face. He told me that the baby was being buried and the woman would have been the oldest female relative. I also bought a scroll of a sutra that has what looks like a drawing of a holy man. It is actually made of absolutely tiny character writing of the sutra I presume. It is very beautiful and hangs in my windowless living room.
He also partially cleared up my puzzlement over some of the sayings of Buddha as appearing in the Dhammapada. He says that of course the fool I walk with is me. OK. But doubt remains.

A Buddhist's Diary May 4th 2009

I give up on the daily diary idea. From now on I will just make entries on the day I commit them.
Yesterday we met many snakes on the road. My friend said that one, passing in front of us, looked like a pale, rippling ribbon fluttering across the way. This one got suspicious when we stopped to admire him.
I would not like to try and catch it alive and remove its fangs. I suspect either it or I would die in the process. This snake is a diamond back. It is about four feet long and has the black and white stripes at the end of the tail before the rattles begin.

A Buddhist's Diary April 28th 2009

How is it possible to live so that we expand enlightenment and serenity? Is it simply the impossible dream?

I am not a serene appearing person. I do not spread equanimity and sweetness wherever I go. I am painfully aware that I cannot know or understand other sentient beings, so I figure that my best bet is to not impose on them. This does not work very well either.

I'm working on it.

A Buddhist's Diary April 27th 2009

Once more from the Soto Shu Sutras, an introduction:



The Buddha is nothing other than the fact that the mind itself is the Buddha.


Deep!

A Buddhist's Diary April 26th 2009

As I read through this beautiful book, (which is printed in Japanese if it is opened one way, and in English if opened the other way,) I wonder if these sutras are worshiping the Buddha as though he were a god.

For me, he was a brilliantly enlightened man. The fact that he did not wish to accept women as any but lay people demonstrates to me that his wisdom was finite. It was only through the intercession of a female relative that he allowed women to become Buddhist nuns. Clearly he was familiar with women in his early life, so I am sure that he found reason for his 'prejudice'.

We women have a lot of burrowing to do before we reach sunlight. We must blame ourselves to some extent.

A Buddhist's Diary April 25th 2009

We wash our faces with pure water so that all living things may profit;
May we realize the exalted teaching and be freed from attachments forever.


We eat this food for all beings in the six worlds,
Thus we eat this food with everyone.
We eat to end all evil,
To practice good,
To save all sentient beings,
And to accomplish the Buddha way.

A Buddhist's Diary April 24th 2009

We clean our teeth this morning so that all living things may profit;
Since they control the fang of delusion, let us crush delusion as the toothbrush is crushed in the mouth.

We rinse our mouths after brushing so that all living things may profit;
May we approach the exalted teaching for our emancipation.

A Buddhist's Diary April 23rd 2009

From my book of Soto sutras:

We are going to take a bath so that all living beings may profit;
May our body and mind be purified inwardly and outwardly as well.

We take the toothbrush so that all living beings may profit;
May they understand the truth quickly and become naturally pure.

A Buddhist's Diary April 22nd 2009

Watch out for Mara at this time of year. She's the Hindu cupid. She has an arrow or spear with a flower at its tip. The Buddha didn't think much of Mara.

A Buddhist's Diary April 21st 2009

A decision has been made. I am going to spend most of the summer here instead of escaping to the West coast as I usually do. I am going to take an intensive Spanish course. I hope I can survive the heat. I will reward myself with a trip to a Spanish speaking place. Venezuela sounds interesting.

Two pitbull dogs lived peacefully together near me. One got loose and Animal Control was called. The loose pitbull had returned to his yard. When the Enforcers showed up both dogs became hysterical and attacked each other and it was a fight to the death for both of them.

The moral? Get your male pitbulls fixed at an early age. Put up a very high enclosure. Love them and exercise them a lot. Let them in the house if they are amenable.

A Buddhist's Diary April 20th 2009

There were sub-freezing temperatures in the early mornings last week. This week there are high temperatures over 90F, and apart from the acequia water that arrives in our gardens every two weeks, the ground is powder dry. A harsh environment for baby tomatoes and chilis and squash. My artichokes are so enormous that they provide shelter from direct sun for some little plants. One doesn't want to complain, but a brief respite between winter and summer would be nice.

The snow-birds are wending their way North in their RVs and campers. Back to the summer home in Montana. Back to the farm in Iowa. Good-bye, good-bye. Have a nice summer.

All part of the lovely, unpredictable pattern of the earth I guess.

A Buddhist's Diary April 19th 2009

More Dhammapada:

'If a man's mind is not perplexed, if he has ceased to think of good or evil, then there is no fear for him while he is watchful.'

Not a direct quote, but enough to get the message. Or not get it.
Buddhism is a little inscrutable on the matter of good and evil. The Yin-Yang thing is often thought of as the balance of good and evil, but thinking Buddhists cling desperately to their equanimity when they hear this interpretation.

I am not sure at all about this, but I think that the message is that if one lives according to all those lists like the eightfold path and the sixteen precepts then it not necessary to 'see' good v evil.

A Buddhist's Diary April 18th 2009

This is from the Dhammapada translated by Muller:

"If a traveler does not meet with one who is his better, or his equal, let him keep to his solitary journey; there is no companionship with a fool.

Hmmm.

Even a being who fulfills all criteria for foolship may have insights, experiences and even a philosophy that have great value........ Or not?

A Buddhist's Diary April 17th 2009

I did a little searching on the laughing Buddha. It appears that he is based on a wandering monk with a beautiful, friendly way of living that made him loved wherever he went. One story says he caught poisonous snakes. defanged them and set them free. Another story is that he loved children and gave them sweets.

Both versions are a little non pc for this day and age. How did the snakes eat after they lost their fangs? Perhaps they changed their diet.
And what about giving candy to children you meet on the road?
I can't remember any description of this monk saying he was fat, but if people liked him I'm sure they showered him with tasty food.
I did see one picture labeled "Laughing Buddha" which showed a slender, serene looking personage. It might have been on eBay. I suspect mislabeling.
Anyway, here is a laughing Buddha, actually smiling, but it's hard to do a laugh with a Zen brush that doesn't look insane. He is always depicted with a bag on his back. Either for snakes or sweets, or perhaps for snacks to take him down the road.

A Buddhist's Diary April 16th 2009

It is a cold cold spring. Freezing nights sabotage my hopeful plants. The leaves froze off a young fig tree, a persimmon, a pomegranite, young grape plants and a paw-paw. I think the apple tree is dead. It tried to put out new leaf buds in November and used up all its strength I think. This is not apple country.

What survives survives.

I could add to the list of pleasures just standing in my ratty little garden.

A Buddhist's Diary April 15th 2009

Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.

Thank-you Caesar for a fairly good country to live in. Here is the money you want from me. Please use it wisely. Thanks.

A Buddhist's Diary April 14th 2009

I don't really like the fat Buddha. Couldn't the Buddha be laughing and not fat? I know that he symbolizes well-being with his gross stomach, and I know that in hungry times fat was looked on a little differently than the way we see it today.

My Zen painting gets worse and worse as the year progresses, but I keep at it. I may try to portray a slender, laughing Buddha. Yes. My next project. If I think he looks good I may put him in the blog.

A Buddhist's Diary April 13th 2009

Some definitions of 'pleasant' from the Elephant chapter:

Friends are pleasant, enjoyment is pleasant, a good work is pleasant in the hour of death, the state of a mother and a father is pleasant, pleasant is virtue lasting into old age, pleasant is the attainment of intelligence and the avoidance of sins. The giving up of all grief is pleasant.

The elephant is a symbol of endurance and self restraint. I think it is a good symbol, because we know that the elephant is capable of huge harm if it is not restrained.

A Buddhist's Diary April 12th 2009

Another chapter in the Dhammapada is titled 'The Elephant'. I really like this chapter.

'My mind went wandering about as it liked, but I shall now hold it in thoroughly, as the rider who holds the hook holds in the furious elephant'. That is not a direct quote, but close enough.

I get into discussions with people about controlling one's mind. Back in the hippie days and on into the seventies, people made a virtue of 'telling it like it is'. Let it all hang out etc. Well, I have some sympathy for this idea, but I have found that not allowing angry thought is a better way to go. Words spoken in anger can wound for one whole lifetime and even continue into later lives if the hurt one feels blossoms out to hurt others. If the angry thought is suppressed, eventually it will fade away. If not, it will fester on and influence speech and action.

A Buddhist's Diary April 11th 2009

Buddhist Hell.

I'm not a big fan of the idea of hell.

'Better it would be to swallow a heated iron ball, like flaring fire, than that a bad person should live on the charity of the land' (!) And they go to hell.

I like the description of adultery: 'The short pleasure of the frightened in the arms of the frightened.' And you go to hell for it too. I think it adds to the 'short pleasure' to be a little frightened. Oh well.

A Buddhist's Diary April 10th 2009

More Dhammapada.

Living alone without ceasing, subduing himself, let a man be happy near the edge of a forest.

No comment.

A Buddhist's Diary April 9th 2009

Another puzzling quote from Miscellaneous:

'A true Brahmana goes scathless, though he have killed father and mother, and two valiant kings, though he has destroyed a kingdom and all its subjects.'

A Brahmana is described as a holy and compassionate being, so how can he be so evil? I hope this doesn't mean that it doesn't matter what one has done in the past as long as one has found the true way. That would be like the people who think that as long as they beg forgiveness at the last minute they can do what they like in this world. Please.

I read that Asoka was a warrior and perhaps a despoiler before he became the most influential Buddhist, dedicated to peace and the welfare of all. Buddhism demands a lack of attachment, but I cannot feel that terrible crimes can be forgotten. Surely we have to learn from them.

A Buddhist's Diary April 8th 2009

Toward the end of my copy of the Dhammapada there is a short chapter titled 'Miscellaneous'.

The opening sentence states that a wise man leaves a small pleasure for a greater pleasure.

What?? I'm eating ice-cream and I see pecan pie a la mode so I drop my ice-cream and go for the pecan pie?

Of course not. Any Buddhist would know that the pleasure referred to is spiritual or intellectual, but an uninformed reader wouldn't know this.

Once again I suspect the translation.

It is too late for me to learn Pali and Sanscrit.

A Buddhist's Diary April 7th 2009

These photos were taken with different automatic cameras. The top picture is more accurate according to my eyes, but what is the real color? I suppose the Buddhist answer is that the color is in constant change and therefore can never be pinned down by a concrete description. Well. Some kind of spectrograph could give a numerical description of the light these flowers absorb or reflect. Of course these numbers would change as the light changes but what I think is that the second camera is out of adjustment.......

A Buddhist's Diary April6th 2009

When I am traveling I find it impossible to find a Zendo that is open to all. I have had unpleasant experiences involving 'private' very exclusive places. "They have their food flown from Tokyo" I was told about one place. Some places have their doors closed and no phone number posted.
The Rochi gave me a book which lists Buddhist centers in the U.S., nearly all open to the public. It was published in 1988. I am dreaming about setting up a website where either Zendos or Buddhist centers in general could be listed. It looks like a lot of work, but you never know, I might try to implement it.

A Buddhist's Diary April 5th 2009

There was dog shit at the Zendo the other day. Not in the Zendo, but on the rug in an adjacent workshop. The nun who lives there was shamed and horrified. I wished that I had quickly got rid of the poop but I had my hands full, so I just warned her about it. Since I was acting priest that day I explained to her that it was of no consequence. Even if I had stepped in it it would have been the simplest thing in the world to rinse off my socks and feet and gone barefoot into the Zendo. She is actually house sitting there, and I think that the main part of her concern stemmed from her wish to keep everything flawlessly clean for the owners. Let the river of serenity flow over it all, I said. Like a lot of Buddhist aims, easier said than done.
This woman has not been a mother. She has never been in Nordstroms and noticed that her just walking son has poop leaking out of his diaper and down his leg and on to the carpet in brown, gloopy drops.......

A Buddhist's Diary April 4th 2009

One way to be serious about meditation is to retreat to a cave. I can understand this, as a cave is dark, and there is not a lot to detract from one mindedness. But according to cartoons in the New Yorker, mystics seem to gravitate to mountaintops. I live in a beautiful place. It is easy to feel refreshed and elevated by the beauty of the Earth, but when I am watching a red-tailed hawk or a lizard, or wondering about the people who made these petroglyphs I am certainly not meditating.

A Buddhist's Diary April 3rd 2009

I missed the circus. They have elephants. I think because they are so large I feel so much more for them than I would for performing fleas. I myself am a performing flea, but I have my place in limitlessness. There's a word most would avoid.

A Buddhist's Diary March 28th 2009

I am leaving to camp out in my van. Just for a few days. It was below freezing last night and the wind blasted up to 90 in one of many gusts. Still I am jumping into my van with my dogs because yes, this action is the right action for me at this moment. I am a solitary. Perhaps more than seems normal, but I do no harm. Peace and quiet! Meditation!

A Buddhist's Diary March 27th 2009

And what about right action? I take this to mean physical action. Picking up my coffee cup to sip the now cold brew. The coffee is not good in this place, but it is pleasant and the WiFi is free. It would not occur to me to hurl my cup on the floor because the cold coffee is also bad coffee. That would be a wrong action!
Sometimes wrong action is inaction. I know that I must get up and let the dogs out or in. I know I must water the yard and go to the post office and call a couple of people, but inaction is to me so much preferable. Underlying this preference is the fear that when I take action it may have unexpected repercussions. My serenity will be broken. Clearly we have to think before we take the simplest action. When we are contemplating a big move like starting a divorce action or taking a job in Afghanistan, compassion, empathy and intellectual analysis all have to come into the picture.

Since I was a child I have always wanted to visit Afghanistan. Some dreams must be dropped along the way I guess.

A Buddhist's Diary March 26th 2009

The Rochi said the other day that she had once insisted in calling herself 'Zen' rather than 'Zen Buddhist'. She no longer does this. Schism seems so puerile, but there is no doubt that when groups of people find themselves with fundamentally different points of view it is easy for hard feelings to develop. Is that how the Inquisition started? But there'd be no dead bishop on the stairs if there hadn't been an Inquisition. I guess that would be OK.
It seems to me that we have to be all embracing and non-confrontive on differences, but still when we see gross damage taking place we have a right to stand up and say 'No!' This is a human right that no government or armed cadre can take from us.

A Buddhist's Diary March 24th 2009

Quiet people still pick their way North through the beautiful desert of southern Arizona.
Gun dealers risk their duct tape wrapped loads through Skeleton Canyon in the night.

If we opened our borders and legalized drugs could we make things better? "Oh no!" a woman from Juarez tells me, "without the drug business and the immigrant business there would be no way for us to live!"

A Buddhist's Diary March 23rd 2009

The Old Ones are dying. Many respected Buddhist leaders with their feet grounded in formal monastic education are growing old. Who will replace them?

In Indian refugee communities, in Tibet itself, where the scholastic tradition has until now never been broken, are young monks learning and studying as they always did? Has the banner passed to America as some writers say?

Does it matter?

Can we keep the knowledge and practice alive and well without the rigor and yes cruelty of the old Tibetan system? Our American way of practice is without rigor. Our long meditation days get shorter and shorter, and many people no longer attempt the full lotus position. I have almost no knowledge of Buddhist schools and histories. I know nothing of Soto Zen in Japan. I could not afford to go there.

My answer to all this is to keep to the simple teachings that underlie all the later elaborations.

Approaching 'right thought' for just a minute is my unattainable ambition!

A Buddhist's Diary March 22nd 2009

One of the paradoxes of Buddhism is that while the philosophy seems to deconstruct sense of a personal self, many Buddhists spend a lot of time on what could be called narcissistic contemplation without much thought for others.

Probably because of my early life as a nuisance at an extremely stressed time, I have had two personas dogging me. One is loud and showy and talkative, the other craves anonymity. When the Rochi expressed surprise at some of my silly accomplishments, I was surprised. I thought she must have known that I am creative and energetic in my personal life.

Should I blow my own trumpet more? Should I shriek for recognition? Should I work on Myself more? No. But I would like the few people I admire to know me a little better........ How can I do that? I'll leave it lie.

A Buddhist's Diary March 21st 2009

What is right thought? Once again, back to the three precepts: Do good, do no harm, do good for others. I was going to write 'With careful thought' these precepts will guide us. Then I thought 'What's careful thought?' Well, I think I can answer that. Careful thought is caring thought.

A Buddhist's Diary March 20th 2009

I'm reading a book by Oliver Sacks. He tells the story of a young man who seems to have achieved something like nirvana. From being skinny and hyper he slowly morphed into a smooth, fat, serene, happy, totally blind person. Since he lived in some kind of contemplative community, this change was taken for enlightenment and not an enormous brain tumor.

Most of this person's brain had been destroyed. What does this say about the serene, wise and compassionate way that is our ideal? Is it brainless? No. Because we are influenced by wisdom, not lack of brain cells.

A Buddhist's Diary March 19th 2009

Well to get back to the eightfold path. What about 'right thought'?

Even if we know what right thought is, how do we practice it? I know I have written before about the impossibility of controlling one's thoughts. Oliver Sacks(?) hasn't written anything about how thought originates that I have seen. I know that I think in words, even though my emotions show clearly through subconscious body language, tone of voice etc. I have always been a proponent of suppression. This does not win approval. It is self damaging, I am told. It can be, but I still firmly believe that relentlessly crushing 'bad' thought can eventually change it.
Is subconscious thought in words? I think it must be, or the wonderful phenomenon of having the answer to a problem spring fully formed into one's head would not occur.

Life is too short. We should not allow ourselves to be led around by the nose by a bad thought.

A Buddhist's Diary March 18th 2009

I started this diary as a way of attempting to explain my way of being Buddhist. Since I have no readers that I know of, I continue out of pure cussedness which I don't think is an admirable quality. But that won't stop me!

The problem is that there are two sentient beings in the back of my car waiting to go to the bark park this morning. I meant to get to the WiFi coffee shop at 6 but it was 7 when I got here. My greatest fear is that the sentient beings will start chewing on the upholstery if I stay here too long..........

A Buddhist's Diary March 17th 2009

I wrote about the Eightfold Path earlier. The path purports to show the way to leave suffering. Unfortunately the word 'right' is the prefix to all eight ways. 'Right' is a word that can mean very different things to different minds. What is 'right' speech? For some it could be speech that glorifies a certain toothpaste. I think the thing to do is to apply the precepts 'do good, do no harm, do good for others' to the ways of the path. Even here though, 'good' can be interpreted very differently in various situations.
There was an English philosopher who said that 'do as you would be done by' is also not an acceptable way of living because it carries the implication that we can assume that others want the same thing for themselves as we do. Mostly this may be true, but not always. This philosopher said that it is better to 'do as the other would be done by'. How can we be so arrogant as to think that we can know this? By believing what the other claims to be his wish?

My feeling about this is that one should avoid physical hurt to others (and one's self), and to make a strong effort to do no mental hurt. (Right speech again!). Compassionate quietness looks like the way to go, but damn that quietness is hard to do!

A Buddhist's Diary March 16th 2009

The long forgotten have left enough of themselves here to pique my curiosity. What stories we'll never know!

I was typing away on this blog just now when my text suddenly changed to numerical gibberish. I thought perhaps the computer had decided to prove the Unprovable Hypothesis all by itself. I panicked. Life without computer! Life without throwing my banalities out into cyberdarkness! Three hundred miles to the nearest MacMan!

Then I realized that I must somehow have hit the num lock key at the top of the keyboard. This computer is an antique, but in all the years I have owned it I have never investigated the top row of keys, except the 'eject'.

I used to live near Portland Oregon. I lived there thirty-three years, but I didn't know the city. I knew my way to work and family homes and the Clackamas Town Center except when they messed around with the freeway accesses. I had my own safe little burrows around the metro area. Same with the computer. "I'm too busy to explore," I say. Well I was pretty busy in my Portland days, but not now! I hearby commit myself to an open-eyed exploration of all the functions on this machine.

A Buddhist's Diary March 15th 2009

These are carp. I am told that they are inedible. But I have eaten carp, and found them perfectly good. Not from the Rio Grande, true. My first husband used to catch carp and store them live in a spring pond then load them in a live box and drive them to New York City to the Kosher fish market. They were bound for jars of gefilte fish or so we were told.

When carp are red they are called koi and are found in the lobbies of expensive hotels, where people throw pennies at them.

Sometimes it is difficult to tell custom, culture and fashion from the simplest way of viewing things.
One of the joys of the American method of education is the way that students question. Japanese and Singaporan and Korean teachers would be stunned to have a student be skeptical of facts handed down from above. I know this is changing.

When I first came to sit, I was surprised to hear the Roche say that one should evaluate and judge all that is taught of Buddhism, and accept only what makes sense to oneself. This is called cafeteria religion, and is much decried. There are at least two ways to look at cafeteria religion. One can say that it is self-serving and lazy, that people snap up the cute bits of Hindu, Buddhist etc beliefs, treating them like pretty trinkets, without the least understanding of the belief. "Oh we're having a Puja tonight at Mary Lou's house. You want to come?"

The other way of seeing it is to say that with much study and thought a way of living can be custom designed, no matter how horrible it may sound. I am not American, but I call myself an American Buddhist because yes, I reserve the right to accept or reject aspects of Buddhist teaching. Getting to the core of most beliefs and philosophies one finds great similarity. But no. I do not believe in carnal reincarnation. Sorry.

A Buddhist's Diary March 14th 2009

This is a cattle guard.

It is put there to prevent cattle
from getting out by road.
Many people consider cattle guards
as useful receptacles for
discarded beer cans,
or even the more virtuous water bottles.

Dogs have to learn
how to deal with cattle guards.
At first they are very suspicious,
but then they realize

that they simply have to adjust

their vision and co-ordination,
and lo and behold,
they are flying over them with aplomb.

We humans,

with our analytic minds,

see what we have to do,

but we always treat cattle guards with caution.

Step carefully.
This empty place would not be ideal for a broken ankle.

That's it. I'm not going to go on about life's pitfalls. Go figure.

A Buddhist's Diary March 13th 2009

Dove and Dagger.

This is embedded in a cottonwood tree
outside a mission chapel
in the desert just outside the reservation.

I don't think it's a dagger.
It is so rusted one can't tell,
but it might have been a screw-driver,
put there to hold the dove in place.

I prefer to think it's a dagger.
Threat of violence holding the dove of peace in place.
It's what we do, right?
Alternative?

Implacable, stubborn peacefulness.
But that is so hard!

Who wants to garrote AIG execs with piano wire?

A Buddhist's Diary March 12th 2009

I did spell Dhammapada wrong. This seems to be the generally accepted sequence of letters. It means 'path to virtue' in Pali. It is attributed to the Buddha. Who knows? In any event, I am quite sure that it transmits what the Buddha intended.

I really like the opening sentence which says that we are all that we have thought. Pretty much what I saw on the billboard in Las Vegas.

Thought control! Doesn't that fly in the face of imagination and creativity?

I value my random, flying thoughts. Last night I was watching an owl sitting in a pecan tree that is still bare of leaves. I was attempting a conversation, but the owl's thoughts apparently were elsewhere. Her little hoots drew in an elegant male who swept in with great panache on beautiful silent wings, the owls copulated briefly and the male was gone as quickly as he arrived. The female looked like a bundle of disordered feathers. As soon as she got herself together she too was gone in search of her lover. Much food for thought there, and lovely images to remember. To me there is nothing wrong with my delight in what I observe. Surely it hurts no-one?

Speech and action from an evil thought is the problem. Not allowing the evil thought is the key. Ask Jimmy Carter.

A Buddhist's Diary March 11th 2009

I've missed a few days. Never mind. I took this photo at a very elegant and 'modern' style museum in Brazil I think. There was a bit of a problem. It was very hard to find the entrance and the exit. A little like my search for information about Buddhism. No easy access. I DO like things to be easily accessible. Sometimes subterfuge is intentional. I suppose we all use a little secrecy about our thoughts and ourselves as a means of protection. Against what? We create unnecessary convolutions that waste time and detract from clarity. There's nothing out there.

A Buddhist's Diary March 11th 2009

When I first became interested in Buddhism I searched on the web to find out what I could. It was a miserable experience. Perhaps it is easier now, but I had no idea what flavor of Buddhism I was looking for. I knew I wanted simplicity, but there did not seem to be a category for simple Buddhism. The Zen place was here in the phone book. I found it and accepted it, and the people accepted me.

The first book that was recommended to me was 'Concise History of Buddhism.' It is short and dense and provides a history of Buddhism and its spread to and away from areas of the world.
But I do not like the use of the Pali and Sanscrit words for important items like schools, sutras etc, because at least for me, they are difficult to remember. I've mentioned a few in this diary.

The book that I enjoy the most is very small and packable. It is a translation of what are supposedly the Buddha's own words. It was first published in 1900 and is now available through Dover Books and is exceedingly reasonable. The translator was Max Muller (I think), and of course I have some issues. Did Buddha talk about 'fools' so much? He seems to have had no patience with fools. Jesus thought fools were all right I think. I know I'm a fool, and also a woman. Would the Buddha have looked at me without seeing a sentient being as men of some cultures do? It doesn't matter. The book is a translation of the Dharmaputta. I think I spelled it wrong.

A Buddhist's Diary March 10th 2009

Some images invite a Zen painting. This is my Catahoula. I could use both sweeps and stipples to catch her beingness.

Lately I have been practicing images of Buddha.
I had a great moment when I finally achieved one that I liked. I had to stop because I know I won't catch the exact image again. Perhaps I will. I just need the courage to try. When my euphoria subsided I realized that my view of Buddha might not be pleasing to many people.

I will post it. OK I know it won't be seen.

A Buddhist's Diary March 9th 2009

Another enigmatic teaching. You are standing at the top of a very high pole (how did you get there? I've no idea). What do you do? The answer is: 'Take the next step.' Of course, but where? If the pole was round, I'd slide down it. If it was square and splintery and 16 inches on each edge, I would scream for help. I would probably fall off the pole before I would step off.

I think the message is that it doesn't really matter what the next step is, and that the next step will happen anyway.

A Buddhist's Diary March 8th 2009

Lately I have strayed from the simplicity rule for Zen painting. I have fallen in love with using a dry brush, squishing it into a star shape and then making lovely hairy blotches all over everything.

My black dog and her shadow cannot really be portrayed without Fill. An outline would not say 'Black Dog'.

Back to the coloring book!

Eating Jesus

I saw a sign outside a church today. It said 'Feasting on Jesus! That's life!'
My literal turn of mind put an image in my head. Need I say more?

Yes I know that partaking of The Flesh has absolutely nothing to do with barbecue. All religions shelter themselves behind arcane imagery.
I wish they wouldn't. One of my daughters, at the age of eight, went into a world of nightmare after studying Revelations in the Bible. A kind and decent man who became my husband and ex-husband, explained to her that it was necessary to communicate in riddles at that time, because of persecution. Big sigh of relief from her.

True or not who cares?

A Buddhist's Diary, March 2nd 2009

It isn't March 2nd. It's March 6th or 7th or something. It's all relative. Ask Buddha, ask Einstein, ask yourself.

I probably won't make it through the year on this project, and it doesn't matter. But it is fun having year-long projects and actually completing them. Yes yes a form of attachment no doubt. My Zen paintings are not improving, but I enjoy doing them. If I ever do another good one I will post it.

I think my butt has grown into the chair in the Dismal Cafe with WiFi. So many petty little tasks that eat time (relatively speaking).

I wonder what Gandhi would think of the fuss over his belongings. I wonder what else he owned. A portable radio? A mattress? Aspirin? A fountain pen? A philosophy that is priceless?

A Buddhist's Diary, March 1st 2009

This is the road to Mecca. Mecca California. A working town on the shores of the Salton Sea. Mecca grows oranges and grapes and dates.
The Salton Sea is full of tilapia, a fresh water fish that has adapted itself to salt and seems to live compatibly with the agricultural chemicals that pour into this sink with no exit. Some kind of barnacle got into the Salton Sea relatively recently. Now the beaches are pink with the broken shells of these barnacles. seabirds abound. Are we misjudging the resourcefulness of nature in overcoming global changes in the environment? I guess the big question is can we eat contaminated tilapia and thrive? Some people appear to be doing that in Mecca.

A Buddhist's Diary February 28th 2009

The town of Trona, California is close to the tourist track, but not on it. It is an industrial place, processing minerals like salt. As far as I could see there is no public art in Trona except this lady in her bath-tub of rocks. Why is she there? Is she an affront to anyone? Does she signify the exploitation of woman? I don't think so. Trona is a harsh town, but for all our sakes let us smile!

A Buddhist's Diary February 27th 2009

I listened to a Tibetan rimpoche on 'New Dimensions' last night. OK I know it didn't air until March 1st but I am catching up from my month on the road and I am NEARLY THERE!
Yes. This person was as wise and clear as the Dalai Lama. I liked his comment about ritual and ceremony. He pointed out that the Buddha didn't do a hundred thousand prostrations, as some Buddha seekers are required to do. I'm sure he was much too sensible. I was required to do a thousand prostrations. I thought it a bit silly, but I did them really fast. Me, counting to myself as I flop and rise on my kitchen floor is a far cry from the splendid old Tibetans prostrating their way around the Jokang Temple in Lhasa. Their belief is their way of living, ground into their hearts and minds.

A Buddhist's Diary February 26th 2009

A group of lively and charismatic Buddhists with Naropa connections have set up in the village. I am attracted to the liveliness, while knowing that I am an introverted old prune with nothing in common with these people. If I think a little more, I can see that quietness and simplicity are at my core, and I cannot escape from this because I don't want to.

My reason for preferring simple quiet to exuberant ceremony is that it is so much easier to reach intuitive comprehension through clarity. I realize this is not true for many people, who find revelation in ceremony and ritual.
It makes no difference anyway. We are all part of whatever.

A Buddhist's Diary, February 20th 2009

These photos were taken at the town of Ajo in southern Arizona.
Ajo is a mining town, and like many towns in the West I think it was a Phelps Dodge place.
Phelps Dodge built elegant city centers in their company towns. In the town of Morenci I am told, they destroyed the town to get at the copper and then built another town. Ajo is now a struggling but beautiful place, blessed with some lovely buildings as well as run down workers' housing. Phelps Dodge built a town called Playa in New Mexico in the 60 or 70's. I drove by it one day and found a whole neat little town with working traffic lights and not a soul in sight! It had never been inhabited. Now Playa is an urban warfare training facility. Phelps Dodge was eaten by Rio Tinto I think. And the Chinese are buying Rio Tinto aren't they?

Does any of this matter?

A Buddhist's Diary, February 19th 2009

If the road wasn't basically red, the patches wouldn't show in such an interesting way.

I have been reading up on Zen painting. The main advice seems to be not to concentrate too hard and to practice making circles. Yes. But I find it helpful to 'find' the dominant shape in an object so I can make it one flowing line. My lines get ugly lumps in them on the right hand side when my hand is slightly cramped. I will keep working on it, but I know I must empty my mind.

Just like Zen archery.

A Buddhist's Diary, February 18th 2009

When the Big Muddy Ranch in central Oregon became Rajneeshpuram, I visited there regularly. At first I was welcomed by warm and happy people, eager to show me their gardens and agriculture. I was impressed. My only reservation was the lack of children and the impermanence of the buildings. Still I believed it was a place of goodwill and interesting ideas. In the following years there was a tension about the place. It became evident that there was a pretty stringent class structure with a very few haves and a whole lot of over-worked have-nots. When the poisonings occurred I saw the results from the other side, as I was dating a county judge at the time.

What happened here? I think a lot of well meaning people couldn't bear to realize that they were in pirates' hands.

Years later I found an old LP of Shri Rajneesh talking. I played it on the air in the middle of the night. It was hilariously wise. Among his sayings: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Things could have turned out differently.

A Buddhist's Diary, February 17th 2009

As a child I could sometimes put myself into a state of absolute realization of my insignificance in the scheme of things and of my amazing luck in being alive and aware. I did this by staring hard at a leaf or a piece of woven fabric or any textured object. When I told my dad about this he was impressed and told me I was a very lucky person. I wasn't so sure, because it was a little scary. I didn't do it too often. Years later one of my daughters told me that she had had the same experience, but she had found it terrifying. I told her what my dad had told me. I also wondered if other people who had this experience called it a panic attack, which I used to hear about on a.m. radio call-in shows in the middle of the night. My daughter thought this 'awakening' experience was quite different from a panic attack.

Some forms of Buddhism believe in instant nirvana which could strike like a revelation. Of course this was frowned upon by rulers who depended on the endless quiet meditation practiced by their people to keep order. I do not think this amazing and sobering experience was any form of enlightenment, because neither I nor my daughter were any wiser for it.

More likely a form of epilepsy?

A Buddhist's Diary February 16th 2009

I have been reading about Zen philosophy on the internet. I am in a Motel 6 (Pets free!) and really enjoying the WiFi. Having read more than my little mind can absorb, I have decided that some things are lost in translation. 'No' in Japanese must have implications too subtle to jump the Pacific. Endless discussions on duality etc. My solution for all this is to translate 'no' as 'ah' and 'emptiness' as 'ha'.
If a dog is a sentient being, can it achieve nirvana? I say ah, meaningless question. Why expend energy? All fades and flourishes, slips and slides from being to nothingness and around.

A Buddhist's Diary February 15th 2009

I am watching TV for the first time in years. I have the sound down. It is a terrible thing to say,
but I don't see any attractive people. I myself am so ugly that I should not be allowed to speak on the subject, but what an odd looking bunch I'm seeing. It is so easy to judge people by their looks, and so absolutely wrong.
I have been reading 'The Tale of Genji'. I think Japan at around the year 1000 was mostly Buddhist, and the characters in the book were, but how a person looked (and behaved) was the only thing that seemed to be important. Looks are everything I guess.

A Buddhist's Diary, February 14th 2009

Long ago my first husband was an archer. He tried Zen archery and was surprised at how effective it could be, but he realized that an empty mind was necessary to perform well, and he could not always keep his mind empty as he brought down the bow and released the arrow.
This year I am trying Zen painting. I do not know anything about Zen painting, but I did study Sumi painting once. My teacher emphasized that every brush stroke must be 'gracive'. I like this word. I try to make every brush stroke gracive, and I try to minimize the strokes. It is fun to analyze an object into a very few strokes, but it is difficult to actually get the brush to move with grace on the paper. Most of my attempts are awful and they don't seem to be improving with time.

A Buddhist's Diary, February 13th 2009

I stayed at Cottonwood Cove near Searchlight Nevada. The hosts there were playing loud music in the evening. I saw that they were dancing together in the dark. "For Valentine's Day," they said. The desert flowers are just beginning to bloom. Spring. Love. Hormones. At my age all easy to resist.

A Buddhist's Diary February 12th 2009

Driving through a rather grotty desert area in California I saw two brightly painted pagoda like structures back from the road. Then I saw the Bodhisattva of compassion presiding serenely over a long double line of other Buddhas. The Keep Out signs made it clear that this was a private place. I stopped and got as near as I could to take the photograph. It is a Vietnamese retreat center, and they did list a phone number. I wish there had been someone around to talk.

A Buddhist's Diary, February 11th 2009

A lovely, peaceful place, but there are signs warning of the presence of drug smugglers and 'illegal aliens', and the trails are littered each morning with food and drink containers. A small camper with covered windows pulled over at a trailhead just as I left the trail. I prepared my smile and 'hello', but the driver got out and hid behind the vehicle.
I know that these people are needy. I know I have no animosity, but I still wish they were not there.
A woman in Juarez told me that if drugs were legalized in the U.S. and the illegal drug business dried up "there would be nothing here". But Juarez existed for hundreds of years before the drug lords moved in.
There are Buddhists in Juarez. Courteous and formal people. One does not discuss these topics. Things change.

February 10th 2009

In the lonely places where I prefer to be, the air is so clean it feels as though it could heal all ills. People are so widely spaced that each one of us seems unique and entire. Growing up in relative emptiness is a gift.

Maybe not. The world is teeming and we should accept that. It leads to culture, and sophisticated and challenging thought. But I've been told that children from the lonely places often do well in this world.

I think the real answer is that it doesn't matter. We live. We die. Where doesn't matter.